What is a desire, and how to recognise happiness. The road which leads to maternity is much harder than what we tell ourselves, and each of us has a story worth telling. We speak about how to manage the failure of an MAR route.
MAR route: you are not alone.
Tackling an MAR route is never a lone journey, this is because you are in the couple, living in a social context, and you will necessarily meet people. We want to talk about the goal which must be shared within the fundamental core: the couple: the dream of maternity.
We know that MAR is a difficult route which refers to the sexual sphere, to relations in couples and the perception we have of ourselves.
Dr. Elisa Vianello helps us to understand better certain dynamics, the routes we are obliged to tackle when MAR starts.
Deavocado is a place in which to talk freely about our issues, because as we always say #NonseiSola (You are not alone).
Dr. Vianello’s story.
Fertility related problems have become a daily topic of conversation, even in the media. It has become a conversation not only between the couple, but society itself. We can find articles, podcasts and medical narrative which addresses the problem from many points of view.
The question remains: what does the couple have to do to overcome this moment?
The couple must take themselves by the hand and organise a new mindset able to improve the family environment, because there will be obstacles to overcome.
At a first moment it is essential to repeat an essential phrase: it is nobody’s fault; we must walk this route together.
When you embark on an MAR route you also feel the weight of social judgement, a sort of shame. This is because a cultural legacy still exists that labels the MAR route as an “unnatural” way to have a child.
These are thoughts you must distance from yourselves and be grateful that science facilitates reproduction. And then, even in this case, it is always nature that takes the final decision.
How to manage anxiety after the transfer?
We must be able to manage stress, before, after and during. We must learn to contain this emotional state, and to do so it necessary to do all that comes to mind inducing a state of relaxation. Being well is necessary and functional for the success of the route itself, whether it has a positive or a negative outcome. MAR is a route which indicates a waiting time, a hope, a desire. But you are not alone, all this is a couple’s route. Of course, for the woman it is a little more complicated: it is her body at stake. But, as I always say, it is necessary to have a contingency plan, which has the goal of reducing stress. They do not need to be sensational actions, they can also be simple gestures, such as having a warm shower. While you are under the shower, look at the water sliding over you, and taking away your negative thoughts. Or go with friends for a coffee, a long walk, a pleasant read, whatever you do that makes you feel better: nurture it.
It is necessary to constantly feed the sense of wellness to contain anxiety, fear, and partly the pain.
Let’s remember that they must be in tandem: let’s nurture our wellness which also strengthens the other part.
- Read a few suggestions on: How to build good habits.
How to overcome the feeling of fragility?
The answer lies in acceptance. If I can’t change reality there is nothing I can do but change myself, my mindset. It is difficult, but it solves the problem, because understanding acceptance allows to integrate the experience into your life. It is also a route which succeeds in re-balancing the couple.
A couple must have a single direction because a shared goal is what unites them. This, by itself, is already a valid and sufficient argument to be able to find balance, wellness, and the necessary strength to get to the end of the route.
I repeat, it is necessary to take each other by the hand, so that couples forgive each other in stressful conditions.
Accepting reality in a structural manner transforms even pain into success because reflection is always required.
A word of advice: always be careful with the words you use with each other, because the body hears them. Don’t call yourselves “depressed”, “panic stricken”, “terrorised” because you will be your very own definition.
Even fears must be taken for what they are: always try not to label yourselves after a trauma, because feelings need to be transformed into a thought, and this must be processed.
The attention is often channelled into a fact; reacting, in many cases of suffering, is what is required.